


Maybe

by QQI25



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Canonical Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-14
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-13 21:23:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5717584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QQI25/pseuds/QQI25
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Todd reflects on some things after Neil's death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> After being in the fandom for almost a week, I've finally finished one of the fanfics I started writing! I watched the movie and obsessed over the characters, then found the book and finished that in about a day.

Maybe in a different life, they both could’ve lived. Maybe Neil’s dad wouldn’t have been so controlling, and he wouldn’t have been so afraid to speak up. He has so many regrets, so many things he wanted to say to Neil but didn’t get to. He wishes that he had supported Neil from the beginning, when he was so excited by the prospect of being in a play. He had felt so bad right after, and wished he wasn’t so stupid. He could understand why everyone hated him. He wouldn’t be surprised if Neil started hating him too. It was only a matter of time.

But he hadn’t. He had kept talking to Todd, and welcomed him, and was patient with him, and understanding. One of the only times he could recall Neil being angry with him was when he had found out about the play. He had turned the situation around though, and even apologized profusely afterwards, saying that he hadn’t meant to be that harsh, though he did mean what he said. He wanted Todd to branch out, but was willing to wait.

Todd wished he could’ve been there for Neil the way Neil always seemed to be there for him. He’d tried to, but Neil either brushed it off, or Todd didn’t even voice his concerns because he was afraid. He wished he wasn’t. Maybe if he voiced them, Neil would still be here. He can’t afford to think that way though. He has to know what will become of their group of friends. He has to know that Charlie will be happy and okay, that Meeks and Pitts will be okay and doing what they enjoy most, that Knox would find someone that was meant for him and not someone else, that Mr. Keating would get another teaching job and be happy with his girl. But most importantly, he had to make Neil’s death worth something. Neil killed himself (oh god how it hurt to say and realize that) because he felt so trapped and Todd could understand that, though probably to a different extent and in a different respect. Todd had to break out of his prison and create a life for himself, and remember Neil. He had to write something to honor Neil, and he would, once he got out of this school. First he had to worry about getting through and completing his education. He couldn’t wait until he too was free, because that’s probably what Neil was now. Free. He didn’t have his father riding on his back and mapping out his life anymore. He was his own person. One day Todd would be able to say that about himself as well.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is the poem todd wrote for neil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really hope you guys like it because i don't know how i feel about it. i haven't written poems in a while haha. some words are probably repetitive.

Once there was a boy named  
Neil.  
He had a magical air about him,  
something that made people stop  
and just look.  
He was the most wonderful person  
you could ever meet. 

i.  
When you talked,  
it seemed like you were  
the only two people in the world,  
because he devoted  
all his attention  
to you.  
When you talked, it seemed like  
your idea  
was valued,  
it seemed like your idea  
was the only one that mattered  
because he'd consider it seriously,  
he'd give it thought.  
You only ever have to ask what we thought,  
and he'd give you his two cents  
(they were probably more like  
two million,  
just because it was  
him),  
he'd be by your side,  
he'd help you. 

When you thought you were worth  
nothing,  
he'd show you why you were  
everything.  
He'd tell you everything that he liked  
about you,  
everything that made you  
special  
(probably all of it because he was  
like that,  
and none of it would be  
lies,  
because he didn't lie  
to people he cared about).

When you doubted yourself,  
he'd talk to you until you started wondering  
what there even was about you  
to doubt.  
He'd tell you  
all the possibilities  
in doing what you wanted  
(all of them positive,  
because even if it didn't go how you wanted,  
all it would do  
is help you).

ii.  
Neil  
was an actor,  
and the best you'd ever seen.  
He was so dedicated  
to his craft,  
and he brought so much  
life  
to his character.  
He probably ran through his lines  
at least a million times  
just to perfect something  
already perfected.  
He had so much energy and compassion,  
and that was all  
there  
when he was on stage.  
But sometimes, the acting  
bled into his life.  
Sometimes, he'd just smile  
when nothing was okay,  
and when that happened,  
you'd have to wonder  
how no one  
realized  
it was bad.  
So you'd have to try to  
comfort him,  
only to be rejected  
and just silently  
watch  
as he tried to put himself back  
together.  
Sometimes you'd wonder  
if you should've  
pushed more,  
like he had done  
for you. 

Neil  
was a leader.  
He inspired people  
and showed people  
his visions,  
and they were so  
magnificent,  
and glorious,  
so of course you'd  
follow him.  
He wasn't a  
dictator;  
far from it.  
He valued everyone's opinions,  
made sure everyone had  
a voice,  
respected everyone's opinions.  
He was so  
amazing,  
you'd follow him  
to the ends of the earth.

iii.  
I wanted this to only be  
happy,  
to be something  
beautiful  
to remember him by.  
But I know you can't just  
brush off  
the sad parts,  
and pretend they  
never happened.  
I learned from him  
that you can't judge a whole  
by a part.  
When I thought of  
myself,  
I couldn't just think of  
the bad parts,  
because that's not  
all  
I was composed of.  
I had to see  
what he saw,  
what Mr. Keating saw.  
I had to look at  
the creativity,  
the intelligence,  
the original thoughts  
I held within me.  
Same with someone I didn't like.  
I had to see there was something  
driving them  
to act the way they were.  
I had to see they were only  
human,  
and they had problems too.

Nobody's perfect,  
but the closest person to it,  
I think, was  
Neil.  
He was so selfless,  
so compassionate,  
so thoughtful,  
so wonderful,  
so him.  
He always seemed so  
happy,  
but I realized  
that wasn't true,  
that he was only human,  
that he had things  
that made him  
sad,  
things that made him feel  
trapped,  
things that made him  
do what he did.  
He was such a  
brilliant person,  
such a unique person,  
and the day I forget him  
will never come.  
I only wish  
that I could've spent more time with him,  
that I could've gotten to know him better  
before he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also i made a playlist of songs that make me think of them haha. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLVkV2nZNhL_UpCWL_f2o4vILOitTLBTdZ


End file.
